I have always had the ability as far as I can remember, to see beauty in unlikely places and candidates.
But not always in myself.
Recently in an effort to combat self diagnosed depression I have started Running. Well I walk more than I run in all honesty but I run in timed short bursts during my walk. I do it this way as I am seriously unfit and starting from scratch.
When I say self diagnosed, that is because I know how it feels, having been medically diagnosed with Depression once before and also additionally having suffered with PND, for which medication was needed. I will be seeing a doctor regarding this shortly. I don't really want to talk about it all too much here. Each Time I experience it it is a little different but key elements are intrinsically the same. Sometimes I see them creeping into my life and halt it (the depression) in its tracks. This time it seems I just opened my eyes one day with a shocking realisation that I was tightly in its grip. I can't write about it when I am in its depths and I don't want to give it a voice when its grip is loosening.
Right now I have been on the exercise track for 8 days and of those 8 days I have gone out 6 mornings. I'm continuing to make progress and improve my physical strength and ability. Though this was not my purpose.
On Friday as I got dressed I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror and I thought I looked pretty. Nothing was different to the day before or the week before really ... oh but wait my eyes had a sparkle, My skin had a ... glow?
When I ran yesterday I realised that my internal dialogue as I run had changed and instead of having a 'conversation' with the depression I was listing the flow on benefits of the running such as drinking more water, having more energy, a better ability to focus on things, healthy skin, clear eyes, stronger mind.
I though 'hey that's why I felt pretty'
Pretty is a state of mind!
Its so very simple and obvious but it seemed profound to me in that moment.
Stronger mind. :)
Depression can be a horrid place to be, and I have experienced it myself. All that fresh air and increased blood flow, will accentuate your already pretty face.. the other thing exercise does, is encourage your brain to release a feel good chemical called serotonin, which helps combat depression. So Tammy not only are you getting fitter and healthier your helping heal your blues. And as hard as it can be when we feel down is, Be gentle on yourself. :-)ReplyDelete
Hi Tammy, I'm very sorry to hear this. I felt you were writing my story. I've been exactly the same, diagnosed about 15 years ago, PND and sometimes falling back into 'it's' grips. But somehow, probably from finding something within that I feel, as a Mother, I MUST look after those kids of mine, I get a boost of something from somewhere. It's a hard slog but I'm so, so glad you're getting there. I used to run as well, years ago, and it does have so many therapuetic affects. I really should do something about getting back into it. Best wishes, Anne xxReplyDelete
Hello, this is my first time commenting on your blog but I wanted to say that your post reminded me that life is beautiful :). I hope you are feeling better soon, I know how tough it is to fight through depression.ReplyDelete
Hi Tammy You know I *get* what you're saying. Good for you for recognising it and taking control. I'm pleased to hear you're seeing a doctor soon. Best of luck with it, my friend. J xReplyDelete
Girls feel blue too....sometimes. Hope you are feeling in the pink again soon. *hugs*ReplyDelete
They do say besides therapy and medication - exercise is a very effective treatment for depression.ReplyDelete
Good you have insight - I hope it does sort itself. It is NOT fun to be in that state.
I hope the running helps and you start feeling better soon. I never had PND, but am helping a friend deal with it - she has just been hospitalised and it is so dreadful to watch.ReplyDelete
Sounds like you are so on top of it! I know how good exercise is but it is hard to do it while you are in the middle of a bad patch.ReplyDelete
You've made a great decision Tammy. Anna at Pleasant View Schoolhouse started running for fitness reasons but her occasional story is encouraging. The first running post is at: http://pleasantviewschoolhouse.blogspot.com/2008/11/thinking-about-running.htmlReplyDelete
I admire your drive to go running. I just don't have the stamina for it.. but I find a good hill walk on the treadmill while watching an episode of The Simpsons very good medicine!!ReplyDelete
Tammy its great that you can recognise early on these feelings and start to do something about them. I love Hazels comment about Grils wear blue too and yes i reckon that you have the most amazing eyes.ReplyDelete