Time to let go and face facts.

Well here I sit more than a little melancholy.
I have just given him his first cup of Formula. Now my tears are streaming. I know its what is best for both of us at this stage but just can't totally accept that its all over.
It's been a week now.
I've tried almost everthing that was suggested. Offering more often, not offering at all; bathing together; skin to skin contact; skin to skin play time; bonjela; paracetamol ....
I did not try cutting his solids intake and to the ladies ( users of the ABA Forum ) who suggested it I do thank you for the suggestion but I'm Sorry cutting my childs food source by even more when he has just lost so much ... a half ? a third ? ... Does not make any sense to me at all. Yes I would like him back at my breast but not by starving him.
In those first few days I was able to express enough to store quite a bit but at this stage I estimate my supply has dropped by about half, not quite half.
He is drinking breast milk more than happily from a cup but as it becomes harder for me to express, and physically I feel a need to do it less frequently, we have decided that as I can't get 500 ml a day any more and the freezer supply is gone too that his calcium needs have to be met by other means.
As we have been cautiously following a diet for a potentially food intolerant baby his dairy intake is still only minimal and has only been in place for just over a week though with no real signs of irritation whick is promising I started yoghurt today as well.
As he has decided to self wean I have decided now is the time to take him from 4 to 3 milk feeds. We are not going to introduce a bottle as he is more than happpy to drink from a cup. For the time being I will still be able to supply him with one cup of Breast milk before bed, which is better than none at all from my point of view.
I am starting to be able to think about the upsides more frequently. This being mainly the Freedoms this will afford me socially and physically and of course some pretty new bras somewhere not too far away.
Though I am able to see an upside I still am very up and down emotionally. I am so grateful that I could feed him for a period of time, but my head is still full of Whys. I am happy that the last ten days I was feeding him, I did sit and soak it up a little more than usual after his one day refusal three weeks ago.
The cuddles I get now are amazing and so genuinely affectionate and appreciated by me on a totally different level.
My independant little man is growing up ... He has certainly not suffered at all putting on a whopping 170 grams in just 8 days. I have to trust that he would not do something like this to his own detriment, and now I move into a new phase of being his mum.
I am finding this difficult but know that its just a small dot in the grand scheme of things. Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts. There will be a Layout on this one in a few days.

9 comments:

  1. {{HUGS}} Tammy!!
    Thinking of you, just know that your little man isn't suffering, and really that is the most important thing :)

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  2. {hugs} from here too.

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  3. Oh Tammy
    You have done an excellent job.
    Truly excellent, you are right it is time to focus on the new bras, cuddles and a little freedom.

    Well done for feeding this little man for all of this time, it is a huge achievement.

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  4. Oh Tammy I hope you are feeling brighter soon. You have done such a great job and your little boy seems healthy and happy.
    Now you go shopping and find the prettiest bras there are.

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  5. {{{Hugs}}} Tammy, thinking of you..

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  6. Glad to hear he is still stacking on the weight. Hope you feel okay about the change very soon.

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  7. Ah, big hugs! Of course you're feeling miserable. But you have done a wonderful job breastfeeding him for this long and given him a fantastic start in life. It looks like you have an independent little man on your hands. Let yourself feel miserable and then focus on the good things about not having to sit there feeding him all the time ;)

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  8. Tammy! I know it's hard... But as you said he didn't do this to his own detrimend... It is simply his time :) I have several friends who weren't able to feed at all!
    Can't wait to see your LO. Take care ~~ HUGS, Michelle

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  9. Tammy could I just say that I had the exact same thing as you with my daughter. As my second child I so wanted to do all the right things by her. But no this did not happen. I even had terrible trouble with formulas. She was raised on Soya bean milk (yuk to taste). However here is the good part!!! She is now 30 years old and we couldn't be closer as mother and child. So you see it has nothing to do with breast feeding at all. It has to do with love, nurturing and doing the best you can. A mothers love is all you need. Best wishes

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